When the honeymoon is over
There comes a point in relationships when you move past hinging everything on the emotional side of love, and start making moves out of the action of love. Now, I'm not sure if it's normal to not really "feel" that love emotion behind the action.
And I am referring to my relationship with God here. We've moved beyond the "honeymoon" stage, but I've expected that to carry me through the growth process, and it's not. The growth process involves me taking the initiative to take certain steps in His direction, which I have not. I've been feeling just so incredibly distant from God lately, and last night during my Bible study, God gently reminded me that we needed to accept that the "honeymoon" was over, and that He and I were at a place where the rubber meets the road.
Now this is a concept I am completely foreign to. I've always been a very selfish person, and continue to struggle against putting myself first. And when it comes to relationships, I expect them to grow without any effort on my part. But maybe my relationship with God would be a bit stronger, a bit healthier and more robust, if I began to look at it that way.
But now I know what it feels like to give up. Now I know what it feels like to have all the life drained from you and to not resist it. It's not a good feeling. It's a very sickly and death-like feeling. And depression arrives on its wings. Is this the valley of the shadow of death?
Labels: God's Word, marriage, this is me before
Corn Chips and Real Life
Okay, let me warn you all. Corn chips are addictive. I can't believe I spent $4.50 on this bag of air-filled corn chips, and now I can't believe I want to spend another $4.50 for another bag. They're like cigarettes. I'm sure there's some unidentified addictive substance in them.
Second of all...
Let's talk about real life. And let me only say that it is slowly becoming not what I thought it would be. I think as children and teenagers we look at adults as some sort of deities who have mastered the ability to make the humdrum exciting. And we get to the event and it's merely humdrum. Nothing exciting about it.
Dreams get dashed pretty easily. Ideas we had are not always reality. In fact, a good percentage of them are not. And I have found myself consumed by knee-jerk reactions lately because life wasn't what I thought it was. God has started taking the reins, but I really can't say I liked where we were heading. There was desert out there. I wasn't sure there would be a drink of water for days. And yet I trusted. But that trust was interrupted by a few brief episodes of reactionary behaviour. I find that I still long for the instant gratification. I am still a card carrying member of the entitlement generation, one who wants her needs and desires and wishes filled RIGHT NOW. And who believes that the only way to true happiness and fulfillment is to make an immediate exodus out of those places in life that ARE mediocre.
But the key is not running from distraction to distraction. Instead it is maintaining a slow and steady pace. I've learned a lot of that through cycling. I had NO IDEA the learning experience I was buying into. I just knew I was dropping a grand on a bike I'd always wanted. See? Instant gratification episode right there. BUT, God stepped in and taught me a lesson with it. He taught me through my rides just how important downshifting is if you want to reach your goal. I can't expect to finish 30 miles on a high gear. There are miles and miles and miles of low-gear riding. I wasn't expecting that at all. I left the gear on my last bike to the highest possible (and probably damaged my knees in the process). I didn't learn about down-shifting until I bought this bike and had 27 of them to choose from. And now I never go 30 seconds without checking my cadence and adjusting my gear if necessary.
And that's what real life is. It's a low gear. It's a constant steady cadence. It will get you to the finish line.
Labels: cycling, marriage, this is me before, veganism
Find me on the practice field
As I consider life and all that it has to offer, I can't help but consider marriage. Now, I realize that I am unique and important independent of a relationship. I have a lot to offer independent of a relationship. On any given day I've got a million things I want to try out on this planet before I die. Heck, just today I was revisiting my desire to get my law degree. But I digress.
If you're anything like me, sometimes you have to be reminded several times to do something. Especially if it's not anything high on your priority list. Well, God knows this and sometimes has to introduce something in a repetitive manner in my life in order for me to catch on. He did that with a book in the sidebar here,
When God Writes Your Love Story. It's been an intriguing read so far. It's definitely spoken to me.
The part that coincides most with where I am in life (besides, well, all of it) is the part about the family.
When we condition ourselves to run away and disown those who are most familiar with us, we're preparing ourselves for a disastrous future. Our lives consist of relationships. God designed us for family. Intimate family relationships are among the most difficult things we must deal with as humans, because closeness leads to the exposure of who we really
are, inside and outside. We young people have a very short period in our life that God seems to give us for practice.Family isn't just in our past; it's very much in our future, too. And I guarantee you that if you train yourself to model Christ now
to those most familiar and close, you will be superb at it when you get married.Family is our practice field. We take into our future marriage what we learn in our life with "them" [meaning our immediate families]
in the here and now. If we learn to snub and disown those closest to us now, we're setting habit patterns for broken trust and emotional heartache in the future. If we train ourselves in the here and now to verbally abuse our family members, we will be conditioning ourselves to bite rather than bless in the future.Isn't that the truth? If I could re-type out this whole chapter on the family, how our immediate family tends to receive the brunt of the darkest end of the spectrum of who we "truly" are, I would. But I think you should just read the book.
Labels: marriage, practical theology, this is me before
More than wind on the prairie...
There are so many things flashing through my mind at any given moment. Sometimes I wish I had a way to jot them all down in their fullness without losing a single facet to their essence. But alas, I haven't yet developed a system that would capture every last thought and hold it captive until a suitable resting place for it could be found.
So I'll just have to remember best I can...
There are many good things to be said about boundaries. Sometimes, it is okay to leave some things unsaid. And sometimes it is okay to get angry. I'm learning a lot in this journey through adulthood. Currently, the most important lesson is that I was wrong about marriage. I used to think that marriage was primary to life, and sex was primary to marriage. It seems that I had it all backwards. Indeed, LIVING is primary to life. Discovering who you are is primary to life. Understanding yourself in relation to God and to others is primary to life. Getting to know who you are, THAT is something to consider. Marriage has nothing to do with it. If you can't figure out the primaries beforehand, your marriage is likely headed for rocky ground. I think as women we are taught that we should WANT to get married and if we aren't, well, God loves us anyway. Just because we're apparently undesireable by members of the opposite sex doesn't make us undesireable to God and unusable by Him.
I am currently wearing out my (pirated) copy of
In Search of Sunrise 3. In the middle of the set, this voice cuts in and shouts
"And the Bible says 'Your body is the temple'.... LIVE!!!!" I had never put the two together before. I am sure that the sampling was done in such a way as to take the whole thing out of context, but really it isn't.
We are taught that by our body being the temple, we should refrain from certain questionable activities. Sex and drugs are those first two nemeses. Perhaps alcohol and rock music if you're really up to it.
But if our body IS indeed the temple, what are we doing with our hands, our minds, our passions that entail serving God by.... LIVING?! I am not just making my body a temple by keeping my temple "clean", but I'm also making my body a temple by going for broke, by enjoying everything God has planned for me. By living with
gusto I am making a pleasing temple for the Lord, too. By being a passionate person about my job, about my relationships, about my talents and interests, I am making my body a living temple for the Lord.
So, if I'm so worried about keeping things OUT of my temple, when do I find time to discover what to do WITH my temple??? Why don't I release that camera shutter a bit more often? Why don't I pick up the violin and improvise with my song bank once in a while? Why don't I put down mindless pursuits and pick up a pursuit that will CHALLENGE my mind? What am I so afraid of? Failure?
Why are we so afraid to fail? Why do we dig holes for even that one tiny talent that is actually so managable, but which we see as either a burden or a chance for failure? Why do we prioritize so that the "sure bets" in our life have greater importance than the "risks" that are a way for us to build that temple? Why do we skip out on chances to glorify God with our bodies, all the while focusing on restrictions?
Labels: marriage, this is me before
marriage
Will someone please remind me how I got off on this tangent to begin with?
Labels: marriage
What is it worth?
I find it amusing that I am living the life I always dreaded.
For the longest time (I'd say over a year) I've been trying to get OUT of it.
I tried finding new jobs (including wife/mother), thought about moving, buying property, even abandoning architectural registration altogether.
I find it amusing that ten years ago, I saw women who were where I am at now, and felt a deep dread wash over me. I was paralyzed by the thought of being my age, and single. Yet I was never able to comprehend the idea of being married. It was like being in a relational No Man's Land.
And yet, here I am. 27 (closing in on 28 pretty fast) and not married. And the irony of it: that I'm absolutely loving it more than I ever dreamed possible. Instead of walls of rejection, I see fields of opportunity. I see more freedom here than I ever knew was possible.
It took me so long to figure this out.
And what a loving God I serve! In all the months (years?) of searching, of threatening to abandon my station for something "better", God was preserving my life the entire time. Instead of shutting me down and chastizing me for wanting something else (read: something "more") He preserved my job and the relationships around me until I could see more clearly that I am actually happier here. He waited for me to stop kicking against Him and struggling to get free. And when I finally wore myself out and took a breath, I saw that being where God wants me is so much more rewarding than I ever imagined it could be.
There is a Chinese proverb (what's up with all these Chinese and their proverbs anyway?) that says "Opportunity has a forelock, but not a pigtail; once it is past, you cannot grasp it."
And now that I have started appreciating where I am now, and the opportunities I have here, I want to grasp it while it is still within my reach, before it is past.
I have an opportunity to learn and to teach. It's time to crack open the books again and reacquaint myself with the written word, which I so hastily abandoned upon finishing grad school.
It's an opportunity to grow spiritually and emotionally. To seek out mentors and put myself in a position to learn from those I admire and deeply respect. To watch closely their lives and mimic their godly responses. To be an imitator of Christ.
I could have holed myself up in a marriage in a the midst of my desire to run away from everything that was difficult (something I usually try NOT to do). But it's amazing how tempting it can be to take the "easy" way out. And I'm not even saying that the end result would have been easier! In fact, probably quite the opposite!!!
And in the end, I admit that I feel quite spoiled. Like I'm being lavished upon in a way that a loving Father would lavish upon His cherished child. The "good" things come my way. They may be wrapped in packages that seem less than desirable. But in the end they are all designed to encourage and spur growth.
All along, I've been kicking around this life of mine, and have just now realized how fragile and precious it is, and how much I ought to value it. Instead of twirling it on my finger, I've grasped it firmly and held it tightly in my arms.
Labels: marriage, practical theology
