Ruminations and Ramifications

What is it worth?

I find it amusing that I am living the life I always dreaded.

For the longest time (I'd say over a year) I've been trying to get OUT of it.

I tried finding new jobs (including wife/mother), thought about moving, buying property, even abandoning architectural registration altogether.

I find it amusing that ten years ago, I saw women who were where I am at now, and felt a deep dread wash over me. I was paralyzed by the thought of being my age, and single. Yet I was never able to comprehend the idea of being married. It was like being in a relational No Man's Land.

And yet, here I am. 27 (closing in on 28 pretty fast) and not married. And the irony of it: that I'm absolutely loving it more than I ever dreamed possible. Instead of walls of rejection, I see fields of opportunity. I see more freedom here than I ever knew was possible.

It took me so long to figure this out.

And what a loving God I serve! In all the months (years?) of searching, of threatening to abandon my station for something "better", God was preserving my life the entire time. Instead of shutting me down and chastizing me for wanting something else (read: something "more") He preserved my job and the relationships around me until I could see more clearly that I am actually happier here. He waited for me to stop kicking against Him and struggling to get free. And when I finally wore myself out and took a breath, I saw that being where God wants me is so much more rewarding than I ever imagined it could be.

There is a Chinese proverb (what's up with all these Chinese and their proverbs anyway?) that says "Opportunity has a forelock, but not a pigtail; once it is past, you cannot grasp it."

And now that I have started appreciating where I am now, and the opportunities I have here, I want to grasp it while it is still within my reach, before it is past.

I have an opportunity to learn and to teach. It's time to crack open the books again and reacquaint myself with the written word, which I so hastily abandoned upon finishing grad school.

It's an opportunity to grow spiritually and emotionally. To seek out mentors and put myself in a position to learn from those I admire and deeply respect. To watch closely their lives and mimic their godly responses. To be an imitator of Christ.

I could have holed myself up in a marriage in a the midst of my desire to run away from everything that was difficult (something I usually try NOT to do). But it's amazing how tempting it can be to take the "easy" way out. And I'm not even saying that the end result would have been easier! In fact, probably quite the opposite!!!

And in the end, I admit that I feel quite spoiled. Like I'm being lavished upon in a way that a loving Father would lavish upon His cherished child. The "good" things come my way. They may be wrapped in packages that seem less than desirable. But in the end they are all designed to encourage and spur growth.

All along, I've been kicking around this life of mine, and have just now realized how fragile and precious it is, and how much I ought to value it. Instead of twirling it on my finger, I've grasped it firmly and held it tightly in my arms.

Labels: marriage, practical theology

posted by Marcian @ 2:09 PM