Monday, February 11, 2008

Just the facts, ma'am.

I was looking at the shelf full of books this morning. I thought about the possibility of reading most (if not all) of them when the testing was through. And I'm so glad I bought the solid wood furniture; there are some heavyweights on there.

Owen. Luther. Calvin. Spurgeon. Packer.

My biggest struggle by far is the temptation to just read them for the sake of reading them. Not for the sake of getting anything out of them. Absorb first, assimilate later. Certainly, it's a holdover from grad school where all I had to do was securely lodge the material somewhere in my grey matter, make sure nothing fell out during the work day, and then pull it back out for discussion in the night classes. Very systematic, nothing applicable to my daily life.

Oh, but this is so different. These are words that ought to be chewed and mulled over. This is not something that I will be required (by design) to forget once the need for it is gone. The diploma received, the registration procured. I'm not learning in order to pass a scheduled exam.

But perhaps that will prove refreshing. It is wearying to carry a weight perfectly only to not be expected to carry it any longer. To perform only to have the performance judged. There is no long-term value in where my mind is being heavily applied right now. Ask me in a year, and I won't be able to tell you what NCARB wanted to know.

But there is value in those books. My mind longs for something WORTHY of holding on to, instead of acting like a detention pond, serving a sole purpose of retaining information that will be needless and gone in a few weeks.

And this is obedience. One day I will not be a fact-machine. One day I can read and meditate on it, instead of lining the information up perfectly.

But today, it's just the facts, ma'am, just the facts.


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