Friday, June 13, 2008

Because really, I just need to stop worrying about it. I make such a big deal out of things that I worry about. Worry is wrong. Imagine just how much clearer things will seem if my mind isn't clouded by worry.

Okay. Being intentionally cryptic is probably narcissistic. I need to stop writing some sort of internal monologue and start writing something somebody can understand. After all, that is why we are given the gift of communication. Not so that we can all gaze at our own respective navels. So, moving on.

I originally decided to let sleeping dogs lie about the NBC show. But Martin contacted me again when the other girl who was tapped couldn't do it. So, I'm going to his studio to make an audition tape on Monday afternoon.

I didn't want to do this at first, for several reasons. First, I don't trust myself with this. I know my own propensity toward pride, and this seemed like a great avenue for that to make its presence known. Now, though, I know that no one ever lives greater than their view of God. And when I make God the sole focus, things change in many ways. I am less focused on myself. I desire to make Him known more. I give pride less of an opportunity to have its way with me. I am still a sinner. But I have nothing to fear but God. That increases my desire to please Him, however.

The second reason was that I could not find a way to reconcile the idea of chasing wind and water to be watched on an entertainment box that I don't even value highly enough to own.

I think the bottom line was that I wasn't sure where my heart would align itself with this. Would it want the world? Would it want to be recognized here? Would it be pulled by a siren song that I've not even heard? That was the root of the fear.

But I belong to Christ. That does not exclude me from living life, including doing what we do in an age of readily available energy, and increased knowledge about the world. My call is to glorify Christ "as I am going." This could be at my workplace as much as it could be chasing storms. I don't understand much about the "how to" but I DO know that I must decrease, and Christ must increase. I DO know that it means actions that flow from a pure heart. And a defense, an answer for the hope that lies within me. When I focus on Christ and recognize the utter lack and barrenness of this world, I can do nothing but hope in Him, in His return for us, and our liberation from this body of death.

I can still be in the world, and not of it.

So, I'll keep you updated.

Oh, the downside of being so cerebral. :(


At 7:58 AM, Blogger Even So... said...

My name is JD...and I have overthought matters for more than 40 years...welcome, sister to introspection anonymous...

At 9:01 AM, Blogger Marcian said...

Thanks, brother. At least I can know I'm not alone.


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