Tuesday, June 19, 2007

A rock or The Rock?

I recently hit a rock. I don't know how else to explain it, except by pointing you to this post.

See, I used to think that the Christian life was different than what I am discovering. I didn't think the troubles would be the way they are. I thought they would come mostly from the outside, but I find that the toughest times come from the inside. The last few days have been spent in some misery. And I found myself reading and praying to Isaiah 56-59... now I know why some call Isaiah "the 5th gospel". And I can't possibly fathom reading John anymore without reading Isaiah first.

I never thought that I'd be in anguish over seeking the face of the Lord, where He seemed to be hiding His face from me, and I felt as though I was struggling not only with temptations, but also with the reality of my sins. I thought this was supposed to go away, at least after I "accepted Christ". I didn't think that I would be so broken over the reality, so consistently, afterward. I thought that I could just confess (read; admit) that what I did was wrong, but I still wrestle with the guilt, and still find myself on my knees in tears with the Word open, seeking the Truth, seeking forgiveness, seeking the face of the Lord. Fighting the battle the enemy poses that I'm apostate and there's no way God could bring me back now. I'm through with, a walking dead man, despair on every side.

Afterward, though, I learn more about His grace, His mercy, and I'm more amazed. I know how weak the flesh is, and how only by the hand of the Lord can I withstand the pressure (2 Cor 4:8-9). I'm also humbled by the fact that He chooses to chastize and discipline. Why me? Why is He leading me through this grueling journey, showing me how incapable I am of making it without Him?

Anyway, I was refreshed not only by the Word yesterday afternoon, but by the responses within the comments section of the post I mentioned above.

Finally, the Lord has been leading me to become much more closely involved with my local church body, actually becoming a part of the body. I am looking for someone to mentor me, someone much older, someone I can be held accountable to with my personal study and scripture memorization, and how I live my life. I have so many many questions that I have not even begun to air here on 'r&r'. I am to take advantage of the shepherding that God has placed in my proximity, and to learn that I cannot function without regularly meeting with other members on more than just a once-a-week basis. We come together every sunday to worship God, but I feel that there is an element of fellowship that is desperately lacking in my life.


At 2:13 PM, Blogger Even So... said...

Blessings in the midst my friend...

I had prayed for that person, and I am glad you shared this...

At 12:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Marcia, thanks for sharing and for being so brutally honest. Much needed for me today. Praying for you, my friend.

At 3:55 PM, Blogger Baptist Girl said...

Hi Marcia,
I appreciate when someone is honest and humble. I will pray for you and ask for prayer also because I know I am not where I want to be in my walk.



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